The Hope of Butterflies

Amid the madness, there is beauty and a degree of normalcy. 

It’s been a tough few weeks for the world amid the changes we have faced due to Covid-19.  I’ve discovered a level to my anxiety that I have not yet experienced which is altogether unpleasant.  While the anxiety makes life a bit more difficult than I am used to, I’ve found my garden to provide even greater sanctuary for all of us.  When it gets too hard to watch the news or read the statistics, I will go outside and water the flowers or find nooks and crannies to plant vegetables and fruit.  Paul loves seeing the fruits of our labors-the blooms and the bounty.  Brittney is once again preparing to grow some juicy tomatoes, jalapeños, and green chiles. 

Yesterday, April Fools’ Day, I was outside watering the broccoli and cauliflower while attempting to remain upright in the staggering wind.  Spring in New Mexico means wind.  Sometimes it means STRONG gusts.  A few days ago, we had some hellacious wind, and an old pine tree fell near my parents’ bus-thankfully, not on the bus but next to it.  It’s no easy task to do anything with the wind persistently trying to blow everything away and further doling out the ongoing pollen complication, but I successfully quenched the thirsty plants.  As I was turning to put the hose away, I noticed a fluttering in the shadows behind some pots. 

A new female Black Swallowtail butterfly was feverishly flapping her beautiful little wings stumbling about trying to fling herself into the air.  With no such luck, she walked toward me almost in a bid to seek my assistance.  I sat close to her, and she walked onto my hand.  I raised her closer for inspection where she was immediately hurled onto my shirt by a gust.  She clung to me in place still eagerly shaking out her wings.  Clearly, having completed her metamorphosis, she must have just emerged from her chrysalis and was attempting to dry her wings.  The wind hampered her progress, and, instead, she was being tossed around like a leaf.  Because it was late in the day, and the enormous orange and white cat had shown interest in playing sport with her, Brittney and I brought her inside along with a parsley plant for her to hang out on overnight in my office.

 

We checked on her several times, and she would walk over to our hands and wave at us with her tiny, black feet.  She did well overnight, and noticing her little proboscis was perfectly curled and ready, I Googled their favorite nectar.  Score!  One of the Swallowtail’s favorites is Phlox of which I have several blooming in the garden.  Brittney and I brought her outside and set her on the Phlox.  Of course, the wind did the very best to blow her onto the ground, but she held fast and dipped her extraordinarily long proboscis into the delicious nectar.  She was a pro!  It wasn’t long until she started to shake out her wings, and suddenly she was flying through the air and was gone.   We were delighted and excited for her to begin her journey!  Here she is just before she took flight.  

The beauty and charm of this little creature buoyed our spirits!  My mother loved butterflies and would tell me stories about them when I was a little girl.  Later, when I was old enough to understand, she said  butterflies trust people with compassionate souls and represent life, strength, and hope.  We definitely can use a little bit of hope and strength right now.  Fly on, butterfly!  Here’s hoping that this post finds you all healthy and content.

Peace

Reflections from the ER

Yesterday, I was forced out of my self-quarantine by a reality check.  At 4am Tuesday March 24, 2020, a day after my 50^th birthday, I woke up with a tickle in my throat.  It made me cough.  It made me have an asthma attack.  Grrr…  After some meds and a cup of hot tea, I was able to get back to sleep with thoughts of virus on my mind.  A few hours later, I woke up and had some breakfast still not feeling quite right.  My left shoulder ached, I was a bit lightheaded and in a fog, an elephant had parked on my chest making it hard to get a breath in, and I felt a little queasy.  After a while, I phoned my asthma doctor’s office to speak to them about a new medication, but then I asked the nurse about my symptoms.  She said call EMS immediately as I may be having a heart attack.  It seems heart attack symptoms can be strange for women.  I wasn’t having any actual pain or anything, but I did call EMS. 

After the ambulance ride to Las Cruces and hours spent in the ER, I have some observations I’d like to share.  First, I’m ok.  Doctors couldn’t find any evidence of a cardiac event, thank God.  My cardiac enzymes were normal, bloodwork normal, and EKG was normal.  So, what happened?  I don’t know.  I have to follow up with a cardiologist in the future and will likely blog about that experience. 

What I do know is this:  The Covid-19 virus is a little bitch and must be stopped!  This virus is taking over the entire world and causing death and suffering like nothing I’ve ever personally witnessed. However, yesterday while in the ambulance and at the ER, I did witness some of the suffering in a form I didn’t expect. 

It started with the call for paramedics.  The dispatcher got all of my information and then asked me a series of questions to determine if I was at risk for having Covid-19.  He was apologetic about having to ask, but I told him I totally understood and thanked him for being extra-careful.  When EMS arrived to assess me, they looked hesitant as they began asking me the same questions the dispatcher had asked.  They stayed back from me until I assured them I was neither a risk nor having respiratory distress.  The relief on their faces was evident.  I thought to myself how tough it must be for them to do their jobs in light of this pandemic.  They have to worry about themselves and their families more than ever.  As they attended to me, I also noticed that they had to take a lot more precautions than usual.  Their jobs are not easy, and to add more protocol and procedures because of Covid-19 must be taxing. 

As they whisked me away straight to a Las Cruces hospital, I couldn’t help but stare at my home and the mountains wondering if I would ever see them again.  Burning the images into my mind, I resolved to stay as calm as possible hoping to hasten my return.  The ride was uneventful, but I observed all of the new procedures the paramedic had to accomplish thanks to this virus. He was so sweet, but I could tell he was stressed out and tired.  He told me he sleeps when he can, but with so many new things to learn because of the virus, he has been skipping an hour or two of sleep daily for training. 

Once at the ER, I was immediately attended to with lots of prodding and poking.  This wasn’t my first rodeo, but something was different.  There is a hesitation now, and certainly a lot more efforts to protect not only me but the staff.  Because I was having some trouble breathing, the second priority (after the IV) was to get a chest X-ray to rule out pneumonia (read:  evidence of Covid-19).  It was clear which was a comfort to me but a HUGE comfort to the staff.  Instead of yellow gowns and blue masks with clear plastic eye protection, they came in scrubs and face masks.

As each nurse attended to me, I asked them how they were doing amid this pandemic.  Each and every one of them told me they were tired and some said they were having a very hard time doing their jobs.  I could see why.  I was in a room right outside the nurses station, and I could see each one of them having to dress in the yellow gown, gloves, hair covering, shoe covering, and masks with tall, clear plastic shields over their eyes just to check on new patients or those displaying symptoms of Covid-19.  It took time for them to don this attire-time that could have been spent in better ways.  I could see housekeeping wearing what appeared to be full hazmat suits cleaning, cleaning, and cleaning constantly.  I could hear them time and again having to explain to family members on the phone about why they could not come into the room with their loved one.  

The hospital had just taken the precaution of not allowing visitors in the ER, so when Paul got there, he couldn’t come see me. I was glad though, because the ER was a little chaotic.  A distraught, confused elderly gentleman began walking the hall asking where he could lie down.  The nursing staff was unable to calm him and repeatedly tried to explain to him that he cannot be walking through the halls and had to return to his room.  He just wanted to go home, he said.  He couldn't understand or fathom how America was in quarantine.  What virus? he thought everybody was lying to him. The nursing staff frantically began calling his next-of-kin to come get him, and one nurse became agitated with the man and began yelling at him to go back into his room.  Attendants retrieved him and returned him to his room to wait for family to pick him up.  I did see him a few more times as they would retrieve him.  Afterwards, I heard the irritated nurse apologizing for losing her cool to her co-workers explaining that she was so tired and how she just wanted to go home to her daughters and have a normal evening.  I could hear the tears in her voice, but she held them back.  They all agreed with her, but what she said next really struck a cord, “If only people would stay at home and not spread this virus, we wouldn’t be having this situation right now.”  I would imagine nurses all over the world are saying the same thing.  

As I waited in ER #3, a brightly lit and fairly large room, I had a lot of time to think.  How did it come to this?  Just the day before I had turned 50 years old.  I had long expected that this birthday would be spent with my family having a little bash to celebrate my half-century mark.  Instead, I was home in a self-quarantine to try and stay healthy.  I didn't mind, actually.  Knowing my family was safe made me happy.  I have two serious chronic illnesses that make me more vulnerable to a serious case of Covid-19 (among others).  I am always careful, but I never imagined that the world as I know it would be shut down because of an illness.  

Now I understand much more clearly.  I read about the numbers of people sick with this virus all over the world.  I hear about the number of deaths.  Until you see the faces and hear the voices for yourself, these statistics only register in our brains as numbers.  Numbers can’t hurt us, right?  In America, we are a superpower; we are a nation of strength and resilience.  Right?  No!  Don’t be fooled.  Never take your comfort for granted.  America is vulnerable.  WE are vulnerable.  We are fragile individual humans susceptible to a lot of things including Covid-19. 

It’s so easy to help stop the spread of this virus.  STAY HOME!  I did.  As I was lying in the ER, I should have been on a plane going to see my brother and sister-in-law to celebrate my birthday with them.  I was so excited for this trip, but I made the right decision rescheduling it.  I know that our nation is poised for additional crisis, particularly financial, but if we keep going out when we don’t have to and potentially spread the virus to others, it is only going to lead to MORE time staying home.  This equals more time not getting a paycheck or returning your household to normal (not to mention getting the whole country and world back to normal).  

People, I implore you to stop whining that you can’t go to the movies, the mall, or to the ballpark.  Take a minute and think about how your actions could make our quarantine go from a few weeks to several months.  Even if you don’t have symptoms, you could still carry the virus and infect dozens if not hundreds of others who then may infect still more.  Stay home and learn a language.  Learn a new hobby or take an online class.  There is a free class at Yale that teaches about happiness!  Stay home, my friends, and don’t forget to try and support local businesses working hard to socially distance while still providing goods and services so they can weather this quarantine too. 

Peace.

The New Normal

Right now, on this day, Tuesday March 18, 2020, in this moment at 2:28 pm MST, most of our world is in chaos because of Covid-19.  I hope that by this time next year humanity will be stronger than ever, but right now things are uncertain.  People are short tempered and scared, and store shelves are devoid of basic food staples and, interestingly enough, toilet paper.  Hysteria is present, but so is confidence.  Some are licking toilets in viral disdain.  You do you, people.

 

I’ve been wondering why there is such a divide in the reactions to Covid-19.  I think it’s all based on fear.  Fear of change.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of being the person who overreacts.  Fear that if we act like Covid-19 could hurt us, it will—jinxing it, perhaps?  Most of us have comfortable micro-systems, or at least those that we accept.  Often, we want our micro-systems to improve in some way—we go to school to get a degree or trade schools to learn a skill that may lead to making more money, buying a bigger house or getting a newer car.  These kinds of changes are welcome, but what about fluctuations in the opposite direction?  How often do we make system modifications to decrease comfort?  It is done, but often for a potentially noble purpose.   Right now, our micro-systems are vulnerable because a new element has been introduced that we do not have control over.  So, what do we do now?  Is there a wrong or right way to react?

Some people cope by getting angry at others.  Some cope by flinging a glorious middle finger towards Covid-19.  Some dare the virus to come for them by licking toilets and doorknobs.  Still others try to maintain a sense of normalcy by altering their environment to include safety measures and activities to keep one’s mind off the fact that they are quarantined.   Nonetheless, nearly every person has had their micro-system violated in some way by this unseen invader bent on collapsing our world.   Most are concerned about losing their micro-system - a family member, our belongings, our jobs and our sanity.  Most of us fear what could happen if this social distancing lasts a long time.  Will factories continue to make the products we have come to rely on?  Will food be available later in the year?  There is a bigger, more ominous fear to this.

Covid-19 is novel or new to us. It all began in animals, but at some point this virus evolved and gained the ability to transfer to humans.  Does that mean you should euthanize Fido and Fluffy?  Not at all-stop panicking-, but be sure you understand how this virus is working (yes, it’s active and it’s trying to change to survive).  This virus has managed to evolve into yet another strain in just a matter of weeks (I believe strain s and strain l as of now).  Now that it has spread to humans and made its way around the world, we must understand the facts and come to an understanding about our own systems.   First, try to understand the virus and how it is truly affecting humanity.  A mask will not protect you.  In fact, it’s more likely to make you sick.  The virus is extremely tiny and can fit through the pores in most masks, so imagine a mask only creating a hot mess of virus inside that mask.  Only a N95 respirator can offer a significant means of protection.  Let’s think in terms of truths, and the biggest thing we can all do is consider how we will carry on with the existence of Covid-19.

Most of us do not know what life is like devoid of the things we’ve gotten used to.  We drive in our cars to the grocery store to buy food that we had nothing to do with growing or producing.  We arrive at jobs each morning to begrudgingly work for our paychecks.  While we know of true suffering, it’s something we have put into the backs of our minds because we have a false sense of security.  The truth is that most are afraid that we are only a few months away from starvation, chaos, and fear.  Covid-19 is probably the first factor that has established this level of doubt in all of us.  This is us - all of us in every country and every socioeconomic situation.   We must work together to not only keep this virus at bay but to return a sense of normalcy in our own lives amid disorder.

   

However, let us not deny that our micro-systems have been forever altered.  We now know that humanity isn’t above all else.  We understand that what we have had now and in the past can easily be threatened.  How we react to this knowledge depends on who we are and how we cope.  You CAN adapt.  Choose to adapt.  Hell, if this virus can adapt, YOU can adapt.  We are certainly far more capable of adjusting to survive than a virus! Ask yourself questions:  How are you going to survive the quarantine assuming you don’t get sick?  How will you keep your children or yourself entertained?  How are you going to reconstruct your micro-system once the crisis resolves?  How can you prevent yourself and your loved ones from getting sick with it?  Get the facts, but may I recommend not licking toilets…